Did You Choose Your Path — Or Did Your Parents?
Let me tell you about two very different women who shaped my approach to education and career without either of them ever sitting me down and having a single conversation about it.
My mom and Dana Scully.
Yes. The X-Files. Stay with me.
My mom is brilliant. Genuinely, remarkably smart. She comes from an educated family. Her father was a doctor, her mother had a master’s degree and sang opera. My mom had every advantage and every reason to build an impressive career.
She chose motherhood instead. Which is beautiful. And wonderful. But did not go according to plan.
Married at 19. First child at 20. By 25 she had four kids, including me. By 32 she had seven. By 35 she was divorced, without a college degree, with minimal work experience, living in a cinderblock apartment in student family housing on a college campus while going back to school and raising my three younger siblings.
What she accomplished in those circumstances was actually remarkable. I can see that clearly now.
But at pre-teen and teenager, watching all of this unfold? I was just absorbing it. Filing it away. Letting it shape me in ways I would not have been able to articulate for another twenty years.
Meanwhile, my dad, who had five daughters and was absolutely terrified we would repeat our mother’s story, developed his own approach to career guidance. His version sounded something like:
“If you choose to get married, that is an adult decision and I will respect it. But I will not give you another cent for anything, including school, because adults support themselves.”
Not exactly a Ted Talk on career exploration. But it came from love, and fear. He did not want us to struggle the way our mom did.
But here is what was actually happening inside my head during my most formative years in high school, completely unexamined and unspoken:
My mom. Struggling secretary. Frumpy dresses. Overwhelmed. Dana Scully. FBI agent. Doctor. Brilliant. Independent. Incredible suits.
Who did I want to be?
I would have never said out loud that my career decisions were shaped by not wanting to become my mom. I don’t even think I thought anything bad about her. But I absolutely would have acknowledged a desire to be like Dana Scully. Those silent, screaming influences were there. Unconscious. Powerful. Real. I was building an identity in direct reaction to what I was watching, in real life and on TV, without even knowing I was doing it.
The research backs this up.
A study of Generation Z students found that 60 percent said parental pressure or wishes were the major influence on their career choices. Not their own interests. Not their own values. Their parents.
Sixty percent.
And that is not the only number worth sitting with. Research shows that parental influence on career thinking begins as early as age five, when children begin identifying with their parents’ occupations and internalizing their values. By high school, 93 percent of juniors report sharing similar values with their parents regarding career choices. Not because they were told to hold those values. Because they absorbed them, through years of watching, listening, and filing things away without knowing they were doing it.
A Joblist survey found that 48 percent of people felt their parents influenced their career path and 40 percent felt pressured to follow their parents’ advice. Most of them did not experience that pressure as pressure at the time. It felt like love. Like guidance. Like the way things simply were.
That is how the most powerful influences work. Quietly. Over years. Without anyone meaning any harm.
It does not always look like mine. But it is almost always present.
It shows up in different ways for different people.
There is the student whose parents immigrated to this country with nothing, sacrificed everything, and now the only acceptable careers are doctor, lawyer, or engineer. Not because the parents are controlling. Because in their experience, those are the careers that meant survival and security. That love is real. That pressure is crushing.
There is the student whose parents never went to college and genuinely do not understand why their kid wants to. “I make good money. You don’t need a degree.” Sometimes that is wisdom. Sometimes it is fear. Sometimes it is both.
There is the student whose parents are wildly successful, CEO, surgeon, partner at a firm, and the path has basically been paved and assumed since birth. Nobody said the student had to follow it. It is just understood. And the student has no idea what they actually want because they have never been asked.
There is the student who says “my parents don’t care what I do as long as I am happy,” which sounds like freedom but can sometimes feel like standing in the middle of a field with no map and no compass and being told to pick a direction. Liberating and terrifying in equal measure.
And then there is the student who has a parent living vicariously through them. The dad who wanted to play pro ball. The mom who always dreamed of being something she never got to be. The parent who frames every career conversation through the lens of their own unfulfilled dreams.
None of these parents are villains. Most of them are doing exactly what my dad did, loving their kids the best way they know how, filtered through their own experiences, their own fears, and their own unfinished or unfulfilled stories.
But here is what I want every student and every parent to sit with for a moment.
Your parents’ story is not your story.
Their fears should not be your restraints. Their dreams are not your destiny. Their definition of success is not the only one that counts.
In my book Career Compass: A Guide to Career Exploration, I have an entire chapter dedicated to external influences and biases, the forces that shape our thinking about education and careers, often before we even realize it. Parents are one of the most powerful ones. Unlike peer influence, which can be more subtle, parental influence is often direct, emotional, and deeply personal.
Which means it deserves direct, honest examination.
Not to assign blame. Not to dismiss the love behind it.
But to separate what is yours from what is theirs. So you can make a decision about your future that actually belongs to you.
Ask yourself, honestly, whose voice is in your head when you think about your career. Whose approval are you seeking. Whose life are you trying to avoid repeating.
The answers might surprise you. They surprised me.
And once you have the answers, the real work can begin. Not the work of rejecting where you came from. The work of separating what is genuinely yours from what was handed to you, so the decision you make about your future actually belongs to you.
Is it your idea, or your parents?
FAQ
How much do parents influence career choice? More than most of us realize. One study of Generation Z students found that 60 percent said parental pressure or wishes were the major influence on their career choices. Research shows this influence can begin as early as age five.
Is it bad if my parents influenced my career path? Not at all. Most parents are loving their kids the best way they know how, filtered through their own experiences and fears. The goal isn't to assign blame. It's to separate what is genuinely yours from what was handed to you.
How do I know if my career choice is really mine? Ask yourself honestly whose voice is in your head when you think about your career. Whose approval are you seeking? Whose life are you trying to avoid repeating? The answers might surprise you, and that's where the real work begins.